crimsonkil

Weathering the storm

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:44:00 GMT

Night before last, I had my worst fit of depression in a long time. I was up most of the night, caught in a tilt-a-whorl of dark, damaging thoughts. I suffer from depression and refuse to take meds for it, because the meds for depression are dangerous and tend to cause damage throughout the body. I view this as not only unacceptable but also criminal.

Anyway, I made it through. I could not stop the thoughts, but I could understand they were part if an inbalance and not part of me. I was able to let my mind run it's course, but know that I did not have to own any of it. It was a good moment for me, a dark serendipity of sorts.

One of my students finished the forging part on a sword he is making. This sword looks the sword of choice if Goblins were also pirates. Leaf shaped blade, tight one handed grip, quillons where the back one curves up and the front one curves down (in a blade up position) It is of integral design (blade, handle, pommel and quillons all carved out of one continuous piece of steel). The blade and hilt will be black with brass highlights and a thin silver edge.

The job search sucks. I love my wife.

As many of you know . . .

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:29:28 GMT

I was laid off as of last Friday. My boss was too cowardly to do it himself. He actually was out of the office, called in, and told my co-worker to do it. My largest emotion was one of elation mixed with relief.

I do my on-line job searches every morning after breakfast, and I have updated my resume, but the feelings of dread and worthlessness have not beaten me into a near catatonic state as they usually do. (When I lose a job or quit a job, the fear of poverty makes me shut down completely, rarely leaving the house or doing anything) I am being responsible with money and time and I am working around the house and enjoying not having to go back to "that place". Yesterday, I set up the living room and dining room for our Oktoberfeast, today I will clean up from same. I do not watch TV during the day, as I have more things that deserve my attention. Probably tomorrow, I will clean up after the storm and get new tires.

Last night was wonderful! Dear friends, some that I had not seen in ages, showed up to break bread with us. Family ties were strengthened and the night was a sparkling success! I wish Nath'air could have made it, for that matter, I wish Fearghus and Sylvie, and Brendan and Katerina, Michael, Malik and all my past students could have shown. But, I am thankful and blessed by those that did attend. All of us sharing the food making responsibilities was a great blessing for us, as well.

I enjoyed the "paper game" we played, and will keep and cherish that paper.

Last night

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 15:34:45 GMT

last night, I shared one of my life's golden moments with my wife, Anna/Stacy. My golden moments are very few and far between and generally involve encounters with nature that are temporal or fleeting. My first golden moment happened when I was nine; a group of deer performed a ballet just for me.

So last night, we are sitting in the back yard around 11:00 pm watching for thin orange stripes to crease the sky (meteor season right now) when this large, white streak rent the very fabric of the night with it's incandescence, and was done. It lasted a second, but not two. It was magnesium white and brighter than any fireworks display. this was no mere spark, this was the tragic end of a great monarch, going down to death with pomp and glory. Burned more upon my fancy than my memory. I was instantly overcome by wonder, and reminded that I am not too far removed from the cave and club.

My wife would tell you it was bright and big and lasted about a second, that if flew roughly north to south. I view the world through the eyes of Morpheus, and last night was reminded that this world is no less wonderfilled than when I was nine.

Hope is a cruel jester

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 19:53:23 GMT

Today I was told that the job opening that I had interviewed for prior to and on my vacation was not going to be filled. It was a job I had done before and been happy and successful at. It was a job that would pay about $20k more than my current job. It was a job where I would not be "managed" by arrogant, drunken junkies. It was a job where I would travel. It was a job where I could meet people face to face. It was so many things my current job is not. And now, here I am, sitting at my desk, eating lunch, feeling stuck ( and yes, a little sorry for myself, thank you! )
I turn 48 this month, I have been at this job for 5 years.

Today

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 01:58:35 GMT

Today I start my live journal, hopefully, I connect with and encourage people.